


It's a Ghost (Snake)

by orphan_account



Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series)
Genre: First Kiss, Fluff, Getting Together, M/M, Pets
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-01
Updated: 2017-12-01
Packaged: 2019-02-08 23:51:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,913
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12875700
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Ryan's been courting the oblivious Shane for months. Jen comes up with a surefire way to win him over.





	It's a Ghost (Snake)

**Author's Note:**

> I got the idea for this after watching how damn cute Shane was with the ghost snake during a Test Friends episode. I hope y'all enjoy!

Ryan Bergara’s death would be caused by a snake. Not that one would bite or physically kill him – Ryan had done enough research to know the breed he needed posed relatively little real threat to a human of his size. But _looking_ for one. For the _perfect_ one for the gangly limbed, messy haired coworker he’d been courting for six months and crushing on since he _came_ to Buzzfeed – _that_ would kill him.

It had started as a joke. He kept his adoration of Shane private; last thing he needed was Shane finding out his nerdy little deskmate had a crush on him from one of the loudmouth coworkers they had around them. But he couldn’t keep it entirely silent. So he told Jen. He shouldn’t have – of all the people he could’ve blabbed to. She was one of Shane’s best friends at work and it was a miracle that she hadn’t let it slip in the months they worked together.

Instead, she’d done the opposite. She’d begun giving Ryan little clues, things that he might not realize that Shane liked or wanted, all in an effort to hook up her two friends.

Ryan was beginning to think it was a lost cause. Shane was amazing and appreciative of the things Ryan did for him, but he didn’t seem to show any interest in return.

 

This was the last hoorah. Shane was enamored with the snakes that the company had brought in for their ‘snake massages’. Specifically, a very beautiful – Ryan supposed it was beautiful, it was a fucking foot long hunk of moving muscle and scales – ghost corn snake. Jen had dragged Ryan aside afterward and shown him pictures she’d snagged. Shane’s smile was as bright as he’d ever seen it holding the snake.

“You want his snake, you should think about maybe him getting him one like this first,” she’d teased.

 

Crude jokes aside – it was a good idea. For _weeks_ all Shane talked about was that stupid snake. Not even about the video or the situation, just how fun they were and how lovely and soothing it was. Ryan hadn’t taken Jen seriously at first. A pet is a big responsibility, and he knew Shane may not look too kindly on having that thrust on him with no warning. So Ryan did some digging, and he and Jen hinted at it until he could safely decide that Shane _did_ want one and wanted the responsibility. It came down to the cost. And there it was. The final shot. The last attempt to get Ryan the date he’d dreamed of for years now.

***

Snakes were fucking expensive. And there were so _many_. Ryan had assumed he’d have the perfect one ready to buy in a week, maybe two. But months passed, and still he hadn’t found the right one. Shane still talked about Casper – the name of the corn snake he’d fallen for, so that was good, but Ryan was losing hope. He called the company that had supplied the snakes and spoke to the handler. She at least pointed him in the direction of some safe and humane breeders. But they weren’t planning on breeding that type for a few months out, and Ryan wanted to be sure to get Shane one at least a year or two old.

So he kept searching. Kept contact with breeders and rescues and places he’d never imagined he’d have any reason to speak to. All over a damn noodle of muscle and fangs. 

 

Unsolved was so much more popular than Ryan or Shane had anticipated. It was Ryan’s baby; he loved it - but having Shane at his side was fucking perfect. It was during preliminary filming of an episode that he finally got the call he’d been waiting for.

***

“Where the fuck did you learn that.”

“Why are you complaining?” Jen asked. She rose to her full height, pushing open the door to Shane’s apartment as she pocketed the bobby pin she’d used to pick the lock on said door.

“You—You did that in like ten seconds.”

“Six. I got bored as a kid. Come on.” She grabbed a fistful of Ryan’s hoodie and yanked him into the apartment, grabbing the box she’d set down to open the door.

“Are you _sure_ this is a good idea?”

Jen groaned, kicking the door shut and clearing off a few stray books on the top of a sturdy bookshelf in the corner of Shane’s living room.

“You are such a worrywart. No wonder you can’t get dick. Look – you and I both know Shane loves these snakes. And he wants one. He just can’t justify buying one himself because it’s _Shane_ and he’s just that type of guy. You’ve spent months looking for one, and now you’ve found it, and Shane is going to love it. If this doesn’t get you laid, nothing will.”

“Thanks for the vote of confidence,” Ryan mumbled, helping her begin to set up the aquarium for the snake in the other box.

“How’s it look?” Ryan asked, taking a step back. The aquarium was large – the right size for the nearly two foot snake nestled under the branches they’d put together as climbing and hiding spots. Little hidey holes, a water dish, and a nice light set up had the cage pretty much perfect. Two new books on snake care, as well as a stock of frozen – snake food – Ryan didn’t even want to think what that _food_ really was – Shane and his new little friend were set. Stuck to the front of the cage was a post it that read ‘ _Hello! I’m yours! What’s my name?’_ in Ryan’s handwriting.

“I think you got yourself a winner, Bergara. Come on, Shane should be coming home soon. Will you lug the cardboard out?”

“Sure.” Ryan snagged the empty boxes and headed out the door while Jen took one last look to make sure everything was perfect. What he didn’t catch her doing, however, was setting a small sealed envelope in front of the cage with Shane’s name on the front.

 

***

 

_‘Ryan Bergara, you are the best person in the world’_

Ryan felt his face heat up when he read Shane’s text a few hours later. 

_‘Liked your present, I take it?’_

_‘Of course I do - but how did you find her? I’ve been searching for over a year.’_

_‘Magic’_

They texted back and forth for nearly an hour, and each time Ryan heard the buzz of the phone he hoped maybe - just maybe - this would be it. Surely it had to be obvious what he was doing all this for by this point.

But that text never came, and Ryan settled into his cold, empty bed feeling very much the same. 

 

Days, weeks passed. Shane loved the snake - still unnamed. Ryan worried they’d have to bring it on investigations. 

Jen was chomping at the bit to chew Shane out; could he really be that blind? By this point, it felt like ninety percent of the office knew Ryan had it bad for his co-host. Except the co-host, of course. He was blissfully blind to the situation, bubbly and talkative as ever. 

 

Ryan had to give him props - he managed to keep it together well enough during filming to refrain from talking about the bite noodle while they were doing things for the show. 

 

***

Lying next to the guy he’d been crushing on for years never got easier. Normally however, they had separate sleeping bags or a large bed that Ryan could use to keep the distance. At the Borden house that wasn’t an option. The bed was barely a twin, made for one person – or a happy, cuddly couple.

Shane’s long, lanky frame took up a good chunk of it, forcing Ryan to cozy up to him. Not a big deal – except the whole crush thing.

Despite that, here Ryan found himself. Shane was flipping through photos on his phone, and Ryan found himself distracted despite himself. Shane just had that way about him; he knew exactly how to make Ryan smile and laugh and forget his problems, even if only for a few minutes.

“So how’s the killer spaghetti?” He teased.

“Adorable. And not at all killer like.”

Ryan snorted. “Fangs. Do you _know_ what she eats?”

“Yes. I actually just fed her before we came here.”

“Gross. Does she have a name yet, by the way? I can’t keep calling her variations of pasta.”

Shane shrugged. When Ryan realized he wasn’t giving up any more than that, he pressed on.

“You know, you gotta admit the humor in the fact that you now technically own a ghost.”

Shane rolled his eyes. “Yeah, Ryan. You’ve made me a believer. I own a ghost of flesh and blood, call the Shaniacs.”

Ryan giggled, shaking his head. “You’re such a dick.”

Shane laughed with him for a while, the bed moving lightly with the force of their bodies. Slowly, Shane’s expression shifted, sliding from an open-mouthed laugh to a smirk, and finally down to just the shadow of a smile.

“What?” Ryan asked, the intensity of Shane’s gaze finally hitting him. He squirmed a little.

“I actually do have a name for my girl.”

“What is it?”

That infuriating – but so adorable – smirk rose on Shane’s face once more. Ryan braced himself for a bad joke or worse.

“Lizzie.”

Ryan scowled at the innocuous name. “Lizzie? Why?”

“Well, you said it yourself. It’s a _ghost_ snake.”

“But—Oh! Lizzie Borden.”

“Lightbulb, huh?”

“Shut up, Shane,” Ryan grumbled, chuckling despite himself. “Why her though? I feel like there’s probably a lot cooler ghosts names.”

“Yeah, but _this_ supposed ghost has a special meaning.”

“Oh?”

Shane nodded. “Yeah, see… I’ve been thinking a long time about my girl and what to name her. It had to be perfect. And it came to me.”

“Because… We’re here?”

“Kinda. But mostly because I got together with the man that gave her to me in the Lizzie Borden house.”

The silence stretched between them. Finally, Ryan blinked, his brows knitting together. “Wait—What?”

“Oh Jesus.” Shane tossed his phone onto the bed and leaned over. He grabbed Ryan’s chin and turned his head enough to press their lips together.

Ryan gave a surprised squeak, yanking himself backwards.

“Shane!”

“What?” Shane asked, looking ever so relaxed despite what he’d just done.

“You kissed me!”

“I know what I did, Ryan.”

“Why?”

Shane smiled softly. “Jen. She—When you brought the snake she left a note. I mean it was all clever but I know her handwriting. She mentioned you liking me and hoping this… I’m sorry, Ryan. I seriously just didn’t notice. I’ve been so busy working and I—“

“I know. I get it. Work comes first.”

“Yeah.” Shane sighed. “But I’d like something else to come first. At least, I wanna try it. If—You still want me.”

“Are you—“

“Hoping that you’ll get together with me in the Lizzie Borden house so I can actually name my snake that instead of the Killer Noodle.”

Ryan laughed harder, reaching out and brushing his thumb over Shane’s jaw. “How about Lizzie the Killer Noodle?”

“No.”

“Lizzie the Murderous Spaghetti.”

“You’re an idiot.”

“Shut up, Shane.”

Their mouths met again, not for the last time that night. The bed didn’t feel too uncomfortable after all, Ryan realized. And a snake wasn’t the death of him – the damn snake is what gave him a whole new reason to live.


End file.
